131 - Joke: urologist appointment

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he
told the doctor, "Don't laugh!" "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'Willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control him self, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," the man replied.

130 - Joke: Homosexual in army recruiting office

A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.
Recruiter: Gay, huh? Do you think you could kill a man?
"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days".

129 - Joke: Every man wants a wife

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook…..

But the law allows only one wife.

128 - Joke: What parents do for a living

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"

Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."

"That’s very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?"

Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That’s very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.

Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."

127 - Joke: Man with permanent erection

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is one third ownership in the store and 3000 Dollars a month in living expenses.

126 - Joke: Impotent Husband

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the midd! le of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . you explain the kids."

125 - Joke: 10 resons why God created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden, because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that, someday, Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV. They want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that, when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply. But, He knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all:

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared ...

"I can do better than that."

124 - Joke: Why was Adam the happiest man ever?

Q: Why was Adam the happiest man ever lived?

A: Because he was the only man without a mother-in-law.

123 - Joke: Sex Social Security Kind

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"

Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

122 - Joke: Banta at beer bar

Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.

When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!"

121 - 4 Things You Never Knew Your Mobile Phone Could Do

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

1. Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

Also in Australia , the Australian emergency number 000 can be dialled whilst your mobile phone keyboard is locked. This is another reason why 000 receives so many false emergency calls!

2. Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).

Editors Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!"

3. Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

4. How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone!:

star-hash-zero-six-hash

* # 0 6 #

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

Not only the above, but also in Australia your stolen phone is added to a "Stolen Mobile Phone" database, so if your phone is found later on it can be returned to you.

120 - Joke: Royal Wedding

On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura’s feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, “God, that was tight.”

“There,” whispered the Queen, “I told you she was a virgin.”

Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, “Right. Now for the other one.”

This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, “My God, that was even tighter”

“That’s my boy,” said the Duke. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

119 - joke : extra long condom

there was a blonde; she walked in to pharmacy and asked "Do you have Extra Long condom?"
Chemist replied "Yes; do you want to buy?"
She replied " No; I will wait until some gentleman buy it"

118 - Joke: Sexy Barmaid

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, “I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom.”

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

“Betcha I can bite my own ear,” Jor challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won’t feel a thing.”

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went.

“I can feel you,” she cried.

“Oh well,” Joe said, “You win some, you lose some !!”

117 - joke : Two patients in mental hospital

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning. When Patty came into the office she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this. "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.

"Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

116 - Joke: Dating rules for college

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's horny.

2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you," and "you're cool," mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"

3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.

4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.

5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.

6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.

7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.

8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.

9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEAST ONE OF THE PARTNERS!

10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather...

115 - Joke: The 10 Rules Of CyberSex

1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various “toys” can be heard.

2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are “stuck” and you have no idea why.

3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don’t want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.

4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15″ screen.

5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.

6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That’s it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!

7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your “coke” in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can’t keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won’t take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, “I have to let my dog out.”

8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)

9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it’s proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.

10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you’d rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.

114 - Joke: Spending rest of the years between wifes legs

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster."

Tourists at Niagara Falls

Guide: I welcome you all to the Niagara falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can’t b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls??

112 - Joke: Why dogs dont marry

Q: Why dogs don’t marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!

111 - joke : proof of global warming

admin: feel free to post ur comments

110 - Joke: The 17 Ways Women Fail In Bed

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy’s dick don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the love sword as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy’s dick don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you’ve come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: “Are you going to come soon.” If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he’s shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don’t just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don’t shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like “I love it when you come in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, “Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?” There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

109 - Joke: Difference between hook in cricket and bra hook

Q. Whats the difference between hook in cricket and hook of bra?

A. One sends ball out of boundary and other keeps balls within the boundary.

108 - Joke: Condom Sizing

Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.
“What size?” asked the blonde pharmacist’s assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn’t sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.
“Size six,” she told him after a moment. “Now, take it out. How many?”
Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.
Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, “But I’m afraid I don’t know my size,” he told the sales girl.
So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. “Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?”
But Tom kept on going until he was done. “None, thanks,” he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. “I just came in for a fitting.”

107 - Joke: Punchlines if big companies start selling condoms

Nokia Condom - Connecting People
Nokia 6300 Condom – Slim yet powerful
Airtel Condom - Express Yourself
Motorola Razr 2 - Cuts like a Knife (my opinion, don't use this otherwise)
Kent Condom – Double Purification (water purifier)
Idea Condom - An idea condom can change your life! (or wife)
Reliance condom – Think bigger (what)
Nestle Condom – Everyday
Philips light's Condom – save your energy
Garnier Condom – Take care
Orkut - Young Soul of India
Indian oil – extra power, extra mileage
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good

Some old ones:

Pepsodent Condom - Raat bhar Dishum Dishum
Colgate Condom - Yeh hai hamara Suraksha Chakra
Moov Condom - Aah se Ahha Tak
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Lux Condom - Filmi Sitaron ki Pasand
Cadbury Condom - Asli Swad Zindagi Ka
Polo Condom - Condom with a 2 holes

admin Note: If you have some good ones, please do feel free to post in the comments.

106 - Joke: Twenty20 Post Match Presentation Interview

In the post-match presentation, Ravi Shastri to Dhoni "Congratulations to you and the whole Indian team for winning this world cup. You guys have produced a great nail baiting show.. and deserves the cup. We welcome you to share the joy with us." Dhoni "Thanks Ravi, the match was pretty close encounter between two great teams and our guys held the nerve to win the game and cup."
Shastri, "Who was the main reason for this thrilling victory?"
Dhoni, "All us played well but I would say the main reason and man behind this great victory is Ajit Agarkar"
Shocked Shastri..., "Agarkar ? ? .. how come Agarkar... he didn't played in the final"
Dhoni, "Yeaph.. that's the reason we won this low scoring match.. if he could have bowled in final, Pakistan would have scored the winning runs from his 4 overs...."
Shastri, "ok.. fine, To whom you want to thank for winning this final..."
Dhoni, "The team doctor deserves the credit... he really helped us to prepare for the final..."
Shastri, "Is it? ?.... how the doctor helped to prepare for the final...he is not the coach or physical trainer...Dhoni. . I am getting confusion"
Dhoni, "Ravi... nothing to confuse... he has failed Sehwag in the fitness test according to our game plan and we managed to pick a good playing team.. thus we weigh the doctor's contribution as very high...infact its better than our team effort in the field.. our game tactic worked well"
Shastri, "To whom you want to dedicate this World Cup?"
Dhoni, "The entire team including myself wants to dedicate this cup to Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly..."
Shastri, "I really really appreciate you... its good that you have so much respect to the seniors....and you ...." Dhoni interrupts.. .."Ravi.. let me complete... India would have exited in the Group matches if they decided to play in the series... thank god they opted out and we managed to play cricket and won the cup.."
Shastri, "The match was thrilling encounter and was concluded by a single mistake of Misbah.. Isn't it? "
Dhoni, "Yes you are right, after lofting the ball Misbah told me that he has sent the ball to where there was no one....but he didn't know that there is a Malayali in every corner of the world. This single mistake has coasted the game and won the cup..."
Shastri faints and Dhoni receives the CUP and thats the end of the great Twenty-20 world cup.

105 - Joke: You Probably Flunked Sex Education If You Think

A clitoris is a type of flower.
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
“Spread eagle” is an extinct bird.
Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.
A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
A G-string is part of a fiddle.
Semen is a term for sailors.
Anus is a Latin term for sailors.
Testicles are found on an octopus.
Asphalt describes rectal problems.
KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.
Coitus is a musical instrument.
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
A condom is a large apartment complex.
An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
An erection is when Japanese people vote.
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.
Pornography is the business of making records.
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
Douche is the French word for “two.”

104 - Joke: Crowd Control

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

103 - What A Perfect Woman Would Say

I’ll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?

I’m bored. Let’s shave my little kitty, you big lion king!

Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!

God..if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!

I know it’s a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

You’re so sexy when you’re hungover.

I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

Let’s subscribe to Hustler.

Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

Say, let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.

I’ll be out painting the house.

I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

Honey, our new neighbor’s daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!

I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

No, no … I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.

Your mother did a great job raising you.

Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever.

Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?

Not the mall again! Come on let’s go to that new strip joint!

Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

That was a great fart! Do another one!

I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you…

102 - What is foreplay?

The loving before the shoving.

The petting before the getting.

BULLSHIT!

The licking before the pricking.

The stroking before the poking.

The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.

The lingering and the fingering.

A premature ejaculators nightmare!

101 - The Unsuccessful Date

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

“I really latched onto a square one tonight,” thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,

“What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

100 - The Tattoo

There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be ok. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, “Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your pecker.”

John couldn’t back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done.

As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when he was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y.

Suddenly, a big black gentleman steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed.

So John said “Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too.”

The guys looked confused and said, “What makes you think that?”

John replied “Well I noticed the W and the Y tattoo — so you don’t have a girlfriend named Wendy?”

The black guys laughed and responded, “No mon, that tattoo says, “Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day.”

99 - Magic Trick

Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, “Do you want to see a magic trick?”

Second guy says, “Sure.”

“OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees.”

Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours.

“There,” says the first one, “… does that feel like you’ve got a thumb up your ass?”

“Yes!”

The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, “Magic!”

98 - A Penguin

A guy is walking down the street, and he’s really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he’s really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says “Look, I only have five dollars. I’m really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!”

The guy there says, “OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.”

“What’s a penguin?”

“You’ll see!!!”

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his “penguin.” Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he’s about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.

Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, “HEY! WHAT’S A PENGUIN?!?

97 - Embarrasing

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won`t sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the shy guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I`m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I`m a journalist and I`ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $100?"

96 - Plot For Sale

A sweet girl of eighteen is very eager to offer a small lovely “TRIANGULAR PLOT” for sale which is centrally located on the slop of the lower area but not observed or explored by anybody till date. For the last eighteen years the plot has been tenderly cared and looked after by the girl herself. The plot is fertile and can bear best result even in the first planting.

For the last four years the plot was covered with shiny black curly grass which is very tender to touch. No machine has yet been used for trimming the grass which has now covered the whole area. Another thing which adds beauty of the plot is the fantastic pond hidden under it.

Offers are immediately invited from young men with firm and energetic capital which can be put in easily and this must give outflowing white liquid capital. The young men should be strong enough to plough in hard with his own tool. Although initially it will be hard and a bit difficult to cut open the gate seal. Once the capital is put in the entrance will not repent and will be delighted to have ventured into the site. Since the neighbors are waiting for an opportunity to the pounce this marvelous plot make haste to be first to enter into the site.

Yet another fact to be disclosed regarding the site is that the “DOUBLE HILLS” on the top of the said plot is already captured by the local students. Anyhow, they are not permitted to go down. Offer for lease or retail will not be accepted.

NB : ENTRANCE FROM THE BACK GATE STRICTLY PROHIBITED!

95 - Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the cop, “Why don’t you stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

“TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00.”

94 - Careful What You Wish For

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “Is there any way you can shorten it?”

The doctor replied, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gave him directions to the witch’s place.

The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.

“Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can’t get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?”

The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, “I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, ‘will you marry me?’ Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter.”

The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, “NO.”

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!

“WOW!” he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, “This is great! But it’s still too long at 16 inches, so I’ll ask the frog to marry me again.”

Once more he shouted to the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, “This is fantastic!”

He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. “Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal,” he thought. “So, I’ll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time.”

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, “NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!”

93 - Betting On The Docks

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they agree that they’ll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83…. 84…. 85…. but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97………… 98…………. 99……………. and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, “I don’t understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!”

92 - The Flu Bags

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.

These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.

A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”

The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”

91 - Fine Art

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple’s confusion. “Can I help you with this painting?” he asked.

“Well, yes.” said the gentleman. “We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?”

“Oh,” said the artist. “I’m afraid you’ve misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they’re coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!”

ADMIN: I STILL DON'T GET THIS ONE . CAN ANYONE HELP?

90 - Watch This

This cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.

“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”

The cowboy says, “Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?”

The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, “It 2 o’clock.”

The cowboy looks at his watch and says, “By Golly, you are right!”

The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.

“Don’t tell me….you’re telling time also?”

Indian looks up at him and says, “Yes, me telling time.”

The cowboy says, “Okay smartass, what time is it?”

The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, “It 4 o’clock.”

The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking.

A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.

“Don’t tell me you are telling time!!??”

The Indian looks up at him and says, “No, me winding watch!!”

89 - One Swipe

The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of guys. One of the guys gets into his wallet and flashes a $10 bill at one of the dancers. When she came over to our table, he licked the bill and stuck it on her ass.

The second guy with us decided he didn’t want to be out done so he took a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other butt cheek.

Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her way towards me, I reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.

Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it down her ass, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!

88 - What Do Women Really Want?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

She asked him which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don’t read until you’ve made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

The Moral of the Story: It doesn’t matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she’s still a witch!

87 - Two women talking about milkman

Two women were talking about their new milkman.

First: He’s very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said the other.

86 - Self raising

One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, young, mini-skirted woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf.

The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks.

It wasn’t long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated.

She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng, “Is yours self-raising too?”

The feeble old man croaked, “No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!”

85 - Young Virgin Bride

A couple got married and were going to their honeymoon cottage. The husband’s bride was a shy, young and beautiful virgin.

After driving for awhile, he decided he had to pee, but they were way out in the middle of nowhere, so he stopped the car, got out and peed along side a creek that ran by the side of the road.

When they arrived at their cottage, he told her to go on in, and get ready for bed, and he would bring in the luggage. About 15 minutes later, he had carried in all the luggage, locked the door, and went into the bedroom.

He found his beautiful, virgin bride laying nude on the bed with a note between her breasts. The note read:

The shoe horn is on the dresser,
The Vaseline is on the shelf,
I saw your dick,
When you pissed in the crick,
So I chloroformed myself.

84 - Why Women Are Superior

administrator Note: If you think of more reasons than the ones listed below on why Women are superior, then please feel free to post in the comments.

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

Men’s clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women’s clothes.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxi’s stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.

If we’re not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.

It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male’s Speedo.

We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.

Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

83 - Pick-Up Lines From Prince Charles

“Wanna hold the royal scepter?”

“Put a flag over my head and do it for England.”

“Ever done it with an outdated historical anachronism?”

“If you think my ears are big…”

“Come upstairs with me and I’ll make you the Princess of Wails!”

“Care to join a family of inbred freaks?”

“Would you like to sit in a giant bowl of eggnog with me?”

“Why don’t you lose that hayseed you’re with, Hillary?”

“Let’s put the bucking in Buckingham Palace!”

“I’ve got Big Ben in my pants!”

82 - The Fruits Of Love

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and hadn’t been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them.

The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers.

The old man asks, “Are you young folks all right?”

“Yes, we’re fine,” the man answered. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I kinda figured that. Say…would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking my ducks!”

81 - Punishment for bigamy

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

A. Two Mother-in-laws.

80 - Man’s Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust “junior” and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest…Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?

79 - 50 Facts About Women

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of “need” is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you “just don’t understand”.

4. Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don’t need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there’s a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an “on/off” switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair before bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea about how she’ll be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man’s responsibility, “It’s there in the Bible”. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do not know anything about cars. “Oil- stick, oil doesn’t stick?”

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women don’t try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don’t fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man a women see is “Ken”.

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. “Oh, nothing,” has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

36. Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”

40. Only women understand the reason for “guest towels” and the “good china”.

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Origin of the word “woman” is: woo-man.

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they “left the seat up” instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. It’s okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don’t see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they’ll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, “Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!”

78 - Ways To Be Offensive At A Wedding

Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.

Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.

Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”

Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.

Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”

Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”

Instead of paying to dance with the bride in the “Dollar Dance”, ask her for a lap dance.

77 - The 5 Hardest Questions For Men

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette!”)

76 - Sure Ways To Know You’re A Woman

2) When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed.

3) Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4) Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5) Whine.

6) If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it’s because he is lazy.

7) If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8) If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9) Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.

10) Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11) Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12) Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

75 - I Am Glad I Am A Man

So you’re glad you’re a chick? Well, I’m glad I’m a guy.
So have a seat, missy, and I’ll tell ya why
I’m so glad I’m a man, I could stand and applaud
That I don’t have to live life as a broad.

We do the same work, but I’m better paid.
There’s honor and not shame for me when I get laid.
I can get head in a restaurant booth.
Mechanics will (usually) tell me the truth.

I can go sit at a bar all alone
Without twenty drunk losers inviting me home.
Workmen and service men never do hassle me.
Car CD players don’t simply baffle me.

I can reach stuff hidden on the top shelf.
I can change light bulbs all by myself.
No one expects anything when I just flirt.
I don’t have to wear dumb stuff like hose or a skirt.

My underwear’s cotton, and three for eight bucks.
Bras are expensive and WIRE - that sucks.
I get to buy cool stuff like hammers and drills.
You have to buy makeup and birth control pills.

Never will I suffer from PMS.
It takes me ten minutes to shower and dress.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
I don’t have a purse full of useless old stuff.

None of my co-workers can make me cry.
When someone fails to call, I don’t give a shit why.
I never will need an electrician or plumber.
I can date someone much younger and dumber.

I’m GLAD I’m a guy, with two balls and a dick,
So I don’t have to live life as a chick.
I revel in guy-hood with joy I can’t squelch,
And I’ll celebrate every scratch, every belch.

I’m glad I’m a man, of that I am proud.
I’m not at all bitchy, annoying and loud.
I won’t try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My credit card is still good when I leave from the mall.

I won’t drink Diet Coke, or eat a rice cake.
There’s no silicone here, my chest isn’t fake.
My face isn’t “lifted,” my bra isn’t stuffed,
I do what’s proper, I leave the toilet seat up.

It doesn’t take hours to fix up my hair,
I don’t see the need to use bathrooms in pairs.
I won’t throw a tirade and then blame PMS.
I’m a man and I’m glad I can deal with my stress.

I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won’t try to be the boss.
I’m a man and with that comes a high sense of class,
I won’t wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.

I won’t cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don’t make up false places, like the infamous “G-spot.”
I won’t go out at night in a black mini-skirt,
then slap anybody that just tries to flirt.

You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.
Yes, I’m pleased to be male and I don’t mean to gloat.
I’m sorry you don’t understand how to work the remote.

I’ll never tease you, or play hard to get.
If I don’t get my way, I won’t throw a fit.
I don’t worry much about breaking a nail,
My face without makeup isn’t distorted and pale.

I’ll never say one thing while meaning another.
When life gets real hard, I won’t run to my mother.
In order to understand just who I am;
You need a Y-chromosome; it’s what makes you a man.

74 - Being A Woman poem

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don’t drive in circles at any cost,
So I don’t have to admit when I am lost.

Don’t act like I’m in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys…
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys…

You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you’re two hours late.

I don’t watch movies with lots of gore.
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score.
I won’t lose my hair, I don’t get jock itch
And just cause I’m assertive, don’t call me a bitch.

I don’t wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don’t go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don’t cheat at poker, I follow the rules.

I don’t smoke cigars.
Don’t pay for drinks at bars.
I don’t punch my friends just to say “Hi”
And it’s o.k. for me to cry.

I know all you men
Think that you’re “IT”,
But compared to a woman
You just ain’t SHIT!