101 - The Unsuccessful Date

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

“I really latched onto a square one tonight,” thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,

“What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

92 - The Flu Bags

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.

These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.

A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”

The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”

82 - The Fruits Of Love

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and hadn’t been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them.

The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers.

The old man asks, “Are you young folks all right?”

“Yes, we’re fine,” the man answered. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I kinda figured that. Say…would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking my ducks!”

54 - Son calling mom from honeymoon

Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what 2 do.
Mom: Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thing.
Son: got my nose in her armpit. Now what?

15 - Two couples swapping partners

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!