120 - Joke: Royal Wedding

On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura’s feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, “God, that was tight.”

“There,” whispered the Queen, “I told you she was a virgin.”

Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, “Right. Now for the other one.”

This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, “My God, that was even tighter”

“That’s my boy,” said the Duke. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

85 - Young Virgin Bride

A couple got married and were going to their honeymoon cottage. The husband’s bride was a shy, young and beautiful virgin.

After driving for awhile, he decided he had to pee, but they were way out in the middle of nowhere, so he stopped the car, got out and peed along side a creek that ran by the side of the road.

When they arrived at their cottage, he told her to go on in, and get ready for bed, and he would bring in the luggage. About 15 minutes later, he had carried in all the luggage, locked the door, and went into the bedroom.

He found his beautiful, virgin bride laying nude on the bed with a note between her breasts. The note read:

The shoe horn is on the dresser,
The Vaseline is on the shelf,
I saw your dick,
When you pissed in the crick,
So I chloroformed myself.

62 - The Wedding Night

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. “What happened?” she asks.

“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

43 - How to be a Man

1. Don't call, ever.

2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

5. Lie.

6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

9. Lie.

10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?"

12. Deny everything. Everything.

13. Don't have a clue.

14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

17. Lie.

18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily."

19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.

20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

26. Lie.

27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.

29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you.

31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.

32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."

33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.

34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.

35. Practice your blank stare.

36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.

38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.

39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

40. Lie.