174 - Joke : What do women do all day ?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it..."

125 - Joke: 10 resons why God created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden, because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that, someday, Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV. They want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that, when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply. But, He knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all:

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared ...

"I can do better than that."

84 - Why Women Are Superior

administrator Note: If you think of more reasons than the ones listed below on why Women are superior, then please feel free to post in the comments.

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

Men’s clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women’s clothes.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxi’s stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.

If we’re not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.

It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male’s Speedo.

We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.

Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

80 - Man’s Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust “junior” and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest…Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?

77 - The 5 Hardest Questions For Men

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette!”)

76 - Sure Ways To Know You’re A Woman

2) When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed.

3) Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4) Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5) Whine.

6) If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it’s because he is lazy.

7) If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8) If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9) Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.

10) Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11) Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12) Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

72 - the women's guide to male english

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I'd like to have sex with you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin dress and let's go home!

70 - Male And Female Definitions

Wants and needs
Female-The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship
Male-Food, sex, and beer

Communication
Female-The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner
Male-Jotting a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys

Butt
Female-The body part that all clothing manufactures makes “looks bigger”
Male-The organ of mooning and farting

Commitment
Female-A desire to get married and raise a family
Male-Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend

Entertainment
Female-A good movie, concert, play or book
Male-Anything with one ball, two fields, or three stooges

Flatulence
Female-An embarrassing byproduct of digestion
Male-An endless source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding

Glass Ceiling
Female-The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the top in business
Male-What would really be great since that hot babe works in the office above!

Lesbian
Female-A woman who makes love to other women
Male-A woman who has sex with other women so men can get turned on

Making love
Female-The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male-What men have to call “boinking” to get women to “boink”

Remote control
Female-A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male-A device for scanning through all 99 channel every 2 minutes

Taste
Female-Something you do to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good
Male-Something you do to food you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out

Thingy
Female-Any part under a car’s hood
Male-The strap fastener on a woman’s bra

Vulnerable
Female-Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another
Male-Playing ball without a cup

41 - Comparing Men and Women at the ATM

Instructions for the guys at ATM :

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert Card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

Instructions for the Gals at ATM :

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions
11. Hit "CANCEL"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

26 - Not easy being a guy

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.