75 - I Am Glad I Am A Man

So you’re glad you’re a chick? Well, I’m glad I’m a guy.
So have a seat, missy, and I’ll tell ya why
I’m so glad I’m a man, I could stand and applaud
That I don’t have to live life as a broad.

We do the same work, but I’m better paid.
There’s honor and not shame for me when I get laid.
I can get head in a restaurant booth.
Mechanics will (usually) tell me the truth.

I can go sit at a bar all alone
Without twenty drunk losers inviting me home.
Workmen and service men never do hassle me.
Car CD players don’t simply baffle me.

I can reach stuff hidden on the top shelf.
I can change light bulbs all by myself.
No one expects anything when I just flirt.
I don’t have to wear dumb stuff like hose or a skirt.

My underwear’s cotton, and three for eight bucks.
Bras are expensive and WIRE - that sucks.
I get to buy cool stuff like hammers and drills.
You have to buy makeup and birth control pills.

Never will I suffer from PMS.
It takes me ten minutes to shower and dress.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
I don’t have a purse full of useless old stuff.

None of my co-workers can make me cry.
When someone fails to call, I don’t give a shit why.
I never will need an electrician or plumber.
I can date someone much younger and dumber.

I’m GLAD I’m a guy, with two balls and a dick,
So I don’t have to live life as a chick.
I revel in guy-hood with joy I can’t squelch,
And I’ll celebrate every scratch, every belch.

I’m glad I’m a man, of that I am proud.
I’m not at all bitchy, annoying and loud.
I won’t try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My credit card is still good when I leave from the mall.

I won’t drink Diet Coke, or eat a rice cake.
There’s no silicone here, my chest isn’t fake.
My face isn’t “lifted,” my bra isn’t stuffed,
I do what’s proper, I leave the toilet seat up.

It doesn’t take hours to fix up my hair,
I don’t see the need to use bathrooms in pairs.
I won’t throw a tirade and then blame PMS.
I’m a man and I’m glad I can deal with my stress.

I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won’t try to be the boss.
I’m a man and with that comes a high sense of class,
I won’t wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.

I won’t cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don’t make up false places, like the infamous “G-spot.”
I won’t go out at night in a black mini-skirt,
then slap anybody that just tries to flirt.

You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.
Yes, I’m pleased to be male and I don’t mean to gloat.
I’m sorry you don’t understand how to work the remote.

I’ll never tease you, or play hard to get.
If I don’t get my way, I won’t throw a fit.
I don’t worry much about breaking a nail,
My face without makeup isn’t distorted and pale.

I’ll never say one thing while meaning another.
When life gets real hard, I won’t run to my mother.
In order to understand just who I am;
You need a Y-chromosome; it’s what makes you a man.

74 - Being A Woman poem

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don’t drive in circles at any cost,
So I don’t have to admit when I am lost.

Don’t act like I’m in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys…
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys…

You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you’re two hours late.

I don’t watch movies with lots of gore.
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score.
I won’t lose my hair, I don’t get jock itch
And just cause I’m assertive, don’t call me a bitch.

I don’t wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don’t go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don’t cheat at poker, I follow the rules.

I don’t smoke cigars.
Don’t pay for drinks at bars.
I don’t punch my friends just to say “Hi”
And it’s o.k. for me to cry.

I know all you men
Think that you’re “IT”,
But compared to a woman
You just ain’t SHIT!

63 - Ode To Oral Sex

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the Censored he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.