199 - Joke : New pair of boots

“A young man bought a new pair of boots, of which he was very proud. He decided to show them off at his favourite nightclub.

After dancing with one girl for a few minutes, he said: ‘I bet you I can guess the colour of your panties.’

‘OK,’ she said. ‘What colour do you think they are?’

‘Blue,’ he replied.

‘How did you know that?’ she asked.

‘I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots,’ he said.

‘Here,’ she said, ‘dance with my sister and tell me what colour she was on.’

After dancing a while, the young man started rubbing the toes of his boots on the legs of his jeans. Then he danced again. But a few minutes later, he asked the new girl: ‘What colour panties do you have on? I can’t seem to make them out.’

She replied: ‘I’m not wearing panties.’

‘Good,’ said the young man, breathing a huge sigh of relief. ‘For a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots.”

179 - Joke : Someone under the bed

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the psychiatrist. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you, I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? he asked.
Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.

Is that so! With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!

SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BAR TENDER.

122 - Joke: Banta at beer bar

Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.

When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!"

118 - Joke: Sexy Barmaid

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, “I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom.”

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

“Betcha I can bite my own ear,” Jor challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won’t feel a thing.”

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went.

“I can feel you,” she cried.

“Oh well,” Joe said, “You win some, you lose some !!”

114 - Joke: Spending rest of the years between wifes legs

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster."

97 - Embarrasing

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won`t sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the shy guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I`m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I`m a journalist and I`ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $100?"

89 - One Swipe

The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of guys. One of the guys gets into his wallet and flashes a $10 bill at one of the dancers. When she came over to our table, he licked the bill and stuck it on her ass.

The second guy with us decided he didn’t want to be out done so he took a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other butt cheek.

Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her way towards me, I reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.

Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it down her ass, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!

30 - Joke: Alcohol as substitute for women

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

29 - Thirsty Drunk

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Champagne."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

11 - Lady standing at bar

There was this lady standing at a bar and she kept raising her hand to get a drink.

However when she raised her hand a massive amount of armpit hair would show because she didn't shave for years.

Finally after about nine times, the drunk at the end of the bar said to the bartender: "I want to buy that gymnast a drink."

The bartender said "How do you know she is a gymnast?"

And the drunk says "Anyone who can raise her leg that high has got to be a gymnast."

10 - World War III

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The barman says, “Yep, that`s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We`re planning World War III”.
And the guy says, “Really? What`s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.
The guy exclaimed, “Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?”
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”

4 - Exposing drunk

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”

“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.

The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”

“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see.

He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, “OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!”