176 - My wife and I have secrets to making a marriage last

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!”, so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

174 - Joke : What do women do all day ?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it..."

167 - Joke : Man marrying lady traffic police inspector

A man married a Lady Traffic police Inspector.

Friend: How was your first night?

Man: She charged Rs. 100 from me for over speeding, Rs. 200 for wrong side entry and Rs. 500 for no helmet.

134 - joke : confession time !

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”

.

126 - Joke: Impotent Husband

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the midd! le of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . you explain the kids."

112 - Joke: Why dogs dont marry

Q: Why dogs don’t marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!

100 - The Tattoo

There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be ok. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, “Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your pecker.”

John couldn’t back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done.

As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when he was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y.

Suddenly, a big black gentleman steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed.

So John said “Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too.”

The guys looked confused and said, “What makes you think that?”

John replied “Well I noticed the W and the Y tattoo — so you don’t have a girlfriend named Wendy?”

The black guys laughed and responded, “No mon, that tattoo says, “Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day.”

85 - Young Virgin Bride

A couple got married and were going to their honeymoon cottage. The husband’s bride was a shy, young and beautiful virgin.

After driving for awhile, he decided he had to pee, but they were way out in the middle of nowhere, so he stopped the car, got out and peed along side a creek that ran by the side of the road.

When they arrived at their cottage, he told her to go on in, and get ready for bed, and he would bring in the luggage. About 15 minutes later, he had carried in all the luggage, locked the door, and went into the bedroom.

He found his beautiful, virgin bride laying nude on the bed with a note between her breasts. The note read:

The shoe horn is on the dresser,
The Vaseline is on the shelf,
I saw your dick,
When you pissed in the crick,
So I chloroformed myself.

78 - Ways To Be Offensive At A Wedding

Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.

Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.

Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”

Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.

Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”

Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”

Instead of paying to dance with the bride in the “Dollar Dance”, ask her for a lap dance.

73 - Kinky Sex

There’s this young couple, Louise and Al, they’ve been married for about a year, and the bride isn’t getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She’s getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al’s first words are, “Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom.”

“YES!” she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, “This is the night, I’m gonna get some!”

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, “Right, now get your clothes off!”

Louise doesn’t need telling twice, it’s off with everything. “Now get over in front of the mirror..”,

“Kinky!” she thinks. “Great!”

“and do a handstand…”

“Oh god, I’ve been waiting for this for ages,” thinks Louise…

Al walks over to Louise parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch… “Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!”

69 - When You Are Dating - When You Are Married - differences

Farting is never an issue - You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all times.

He takes you out to have a good time - He brings home a 6 pack and says, “What are you going to drink?”

He holds your hand in public - He flicks your ear in public.

A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad - A King size bed feels like an Army cot.

You are turned on at the sight of him naked - You think to yourself…. “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

You enjoyed foreplay - You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason - He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

You picture the two of you together, growing old - You wonder who will die first.

Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy” - When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

He knows what the “hamper” is - The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

He understands if you “aren’t in the mood” - He says, “It’s your job.”

He understands that you have “male” friends - He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

He likes to “discuss” things - He develops a “blank” stare.

He calls you by name - He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

48 - Married to doctor

I’ve got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: “You need to do something to spice up our love-making”.
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
“Why?” asked her husband. “You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion”, she replied…

46 - Why Marie Corelli never married

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

45 - Secret of long marriage

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henry Youngman

31 - Wife buying expensive imported panties

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.

"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

16 - Huge guy marrying tiny girl

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.

13 - Young lady marrying old man

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."