120 - Joke: Royal Wedding

On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura’s feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, “God, that was tight.”

“There,” whispered the Queen, “I told you she was a virgin.”

Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, “Right. Now for the other one.”

This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, “My God, that was even tighter”

“That’s my boy,” said the Duke. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

78 - Ways To Be Offensive At A Wedding

Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.

Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.

Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”

Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.

Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”

Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”

Instead of paying to dance with the bride in the “Dollar Dance”, ask her for a lap dance.

13 - Young lady marrying old man

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."