195 - Joke : Joe and his headaches

Joe was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help.

 The doctor said, “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed, but immediately decided he had no choice other than to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he walked past a men's clothing store and thought buying a new suit might cheer him up. The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure...” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 neck.” Joe was once again surprised, “That”s exactly right. How did you know?" “It”s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll by this point and said, “Well, sure ....” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see...9...wide.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right .... How did you know?” “It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe hesitated for a second and said, “Sure...” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see...size large.” Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size medium since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “Oh, don’t be silly, you can’t wear a medium. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!”

31 - Wife buying expensive imported panties

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.

"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

20 - Emotional needs - very funny

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says “I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
“WHAT!?” says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth 200 dollars each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn`t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says “You don`t even play tennis, but if you like it then let`s get it.”
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, “I`m ready to go, let`s go to the cashier.”
The husband stops and says, “No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now.” The wife`s face goes blank. “Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, “You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”