202 - Joke : The Talking Dog for Sale

 The Talking Dog for Sale

A man sees a sign outside a house that reads: “Talking Dog for Sale - $10.” Intrigued, he knocks on the door.

The owner invites him in and points to a dog sitting on the couch.

The man asks the dog, “So, what’s your story?”

The dog looks up and starts speaking:

“Well, I discovered I could talk when I was just a pup. I wanted to help the world, so I joined the CIA. They’d fly me all over the globe. I’d sit in rooms, eavesdrop on top-secret conversations, and report back. No one ever suspected a dog. I was their top agent for years. But after a while, the traveling got to me. I retired, settled down, and now I volunteer reading to kids at the library. Life’s good.”

The man is stunned. He turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth are you selling this incredible dog for just $10?”

The owner shrugs and replies,

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

201 - Joke : A patient with discharge

 A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I have a slight discharge.” 

The female doctor says, “Alright, pull your pants down and stand over there.” 

The man pulls his pants down, and the doctor grabs his penis and starts massaging it gently. 

The man’s head starts wobbling and he’s got a big smile on his face. 

After five minutes of this, the doctor says, “There’s no discharge here.” 

The man replies, “I know, it’s in my ear.”

200 - Joke : Brunette, blonde and 50 dollars

 A blonde and a brunette walk into a bar. 

As they sit down, the brunette notices a guy checking out the blonde. 

So the brunette decides to go and talk to this guy. 

She walks up to him and says, “I see you’ve been checking out my friend. You know, the blonde sitting over there. She’s pretty isn’t she?” 

The guy responds, “Oh, man, she’s just gorgeous, absolutely beautiful.” 

The brunette says, “Well, for $50 I can arrange for you to smell her crotch.”

The guy says, “Well, yes, of course!” He pulls out the money and hands it to her. 

She takes it and breathes in his face.

199 - Joke : New pair of boots

“A young man bought a new pair of boots, of which he was very proud. He decided to show them off at his favourite nightclub.

After dancing with one girl for a few minutes, he said: ‘I bet you I can guess the colour of your panties.’

‘OK,’ she said. ‘What colour do you think they are?’

‘Blue,’ he replied.

‘How did you know that?’ she asked.

‘I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots,’ he said.

‘Here,’ she said, ‘dance with my sister and tell me what colour she was on.’

After dancing a while, the young man started rubbing the toes of his boots on the legs of his jeans. Then he danced again. But a few minutes later, he asked the new girl: ‘What colour panties do you have on? I can’t seem to make them out.’

She replied: ‘I’m not wearing panties.’

‘Good,’ said the young man, breathing a huge sigh of relief. ‘For a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots.”

198 - Joke : Childhood was wonderful

When i was a child

*PUSSY meant a CAT.

*SEX meant the GENDER of a person.

*BITCH meant a FEMALE DOG.

*DICK was the name of a CARTOON CHARACTER.

*BANG was just a SOUND.

*RUBBER was just an ERASER.

*ASS was the name of an ANIMAL.

*SCREW was just a fixing TOOL.

*HEAD meant that part of the body above NECK.

*BALLS meant CRICKET BALLS, TENNIS BALLS, VOLLEY BALLS, FOOT BALLS etc.

*NUTS meant DRYFRUITS.

197 - Sweet aroma of my mistress

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

196 - Joke : Stop seeing my wife

"Boy, I'm scared,"  John said to one of his friends.

"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."

"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."

"Easy for you to say."

"You like her that much?" the friend asks.

"It's not that," declared John.
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"He didn't sign his name!

195 - Joke : Joe and his headaches

Joe was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help.

 The doctor said, “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed, but immediately decided he had no choice other than to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he walked past a men's clothing store and thought buying a new suit might cheer him up. The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure...” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 neck.” Joe was once again surprised, “That”s exactly right. How did you know?" “It”s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll by this point and said, “Well, sure ....” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see...9...wide.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right .... How did you know?” “It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe hesitated for a second and said, “Sure...” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see...size large.” Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size medium since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “Oh, don’t be silly, you can’t wear a medium. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!”

194 - Joke : Sahara Pipeline

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.

Since they’ve all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person.

“Sophia Loren,” says the first nun - and poof, she disappears.

“Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too.

“Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter.

The nun hands him a newspaper clipping.

He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you’ve got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”

193 - Joke : Adultery confession

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.

When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

192 - Men, Women and Sex

At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words sex and love.

Amy wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another and respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another.”

And John wrote: “I love sex.”

191 - Joke : Sex and Hypnosis

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis.

And, to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

190 - Joke : Woman breaking wind in bus

A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind.

She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, disgusting blast.

 The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.

 “Um…do you have a transfer ticket?” she finally asks.

 “No, I don’t,” he replies. “But when we pass the next tree, I’ll try to grab you a handful of leaves.”

189 - Swimming sperms

Two sperms are swimming. One looks over at the other and says, "I'm exhausted! Are we almost there?" 
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The other sperm looks back at him and says, "Are you kidding? We just passed the esophagus!"

188 - Clinton's visit to hell

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell.

At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door 2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.

Door 3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

 “Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

187 - Code for sex

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

 One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

 A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

186 - You can never please a woman

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin. Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick. They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

185 - Baby Elephant

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor.

The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

 The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

 A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. 

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

184 - Joke : 7 kinds of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when You first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

 The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been With your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

 The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with Your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have Sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with Your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "Fuck you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in The morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your Wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

183 - Joke : XXX rated ATM machine

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

 

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

 

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

 

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.