8 - Difference between ooh and aah

Q. What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah?"

A. About three inches.

7 - Dumbest deaths in history

Francis Bacon: One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.

How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken. One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Jerome Irving Rodale: Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of “Organic Farming and Gardening” magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.

How he died: On the “Dick Cavett Show”, while discussing the benefits of organic foods. Rodale, who bragged “I`m going to live to be 100 unless I`m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver,” was only 72 when he appeared on the “Dick Cavett Show” in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.

Aeschylus: Greek playwright in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.

How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Jim Fixx: Author of the best selling “Complete Book of Running,” which started the 70's jogging craze.

How he died: A heart attack….while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99 percent clogged, another was 80 percent obstructed, and a third was 70 percent Blocked….and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death. And finally there's Lully, the 16th-century composer who wrote music for the king of France. While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.

6 - Buttoned fly

There was this couple who were running late preparing for the big party, and it just so happened that the husband had on a pair of trousers that had a buttoned fly, one button of which had come off and needed sewing.

The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested he run across the street to have her lady friend take care of the matter.

And so he did. A little bit later he came back with the button sewn on all right, but he was terribly beaten up.

“Good grief! What in the world happened to you! You just went over there for the button to be sewed on, and now look at you!”

“Well, when I told her what I wanted done she said to take a seat and that it would just take her a second. So, I sat down and she began sewing on the button. Everything was just going along just fine until she bent over to bite off the thread and her husband came in the door.”

5 - Tree hugging

While walking through the forests a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

“You gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…”

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the hell happened to you?”

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, “Cupcake, this just ain’t gonna be your day…”

4 - Exposing drunk

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”

“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.

The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”

“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see.

He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, “OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!”

3 - Advertising secretary wearing tight knit dresses

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

2 - Men want 3 qualities in wives

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home and devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home and economist in bed.

1- wife driving car to grocery

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession…even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”