71 - the men's guide to female english

THE MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead.)
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

70 - Male And Female Definitions

Wants and needs
Female-The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship
Male-Food, sex, and beer

Communication
Female-The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner
Male-Jotting a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys

Butt
Female-The body part that all clothing manufactures makes “looks bigger”
Male-The organ of mooning and farting

Commitment
Female-A desire to get married and raise a family
Male-Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend

Entertainment
Female-A good movie, concert, play or book
Male-Anything with one ball, two fields, or three stooges

Flatulence
Female-An embarrassing byproduct of digestion
Male-An endless source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding

Glass Ceiling
Female-The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the top in business
Male-What would really be great since that hot babe works in the office above!

Lesbian
Female-A woman who makes love to other women
Male-A woman who has sex with other women so men can get turned on

Making love
Female-The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male-What men have to call “boinking” to get women to “boink”

Remote control
Female-A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male-A device for scanning through all 99 channel every 2 minutes

Taste
Female-Something you do to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good
Male-Something you do to food you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out

Thingy
Female-Any part under a car’s hood
Male-The strap fastener on a woman’s bra

Vulnerable
Female-Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another
Male-Playing ball without a cup

69 - When You Are Dating - When You Are Married - differences

Farting is never an issue - You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all times.

He takes you out to have a good time - He brings home a 6 pack and says, “What are you going to drink?”

He holds your hand in public - He flicks your ear in public.

A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad - A King size bed feels like an Army cot.

You are turned on at the sight of him naked - You think to yourself…. “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

You enjoyed foreplay - You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason - He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

You picture the two of you together, growing old - You wonder who will die first.

Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy” - When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

He knows what the “hamper” is - The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

He understands if you “aren’t in the mood” - He says, “It’s your job.”

He understands that you have “male” friends - He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

He likes to “discuss” things - He develops a “blank” stare.

He calls you by name - He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

68 - The Trouser Snake

NAME: “Expecteria Trouserius” (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the lower posterior section, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile,with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last known time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.