49 - Corporate lingo list

Here is a little clarification of corporate lingo.

Competitive salary:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:

We have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere:

We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Must be deadline oriented:

You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtimes required:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties will vary:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail:

We have no quality control.

Career-minded:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person:

If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:

We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:

You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

Problem-solving skills a must:

You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:

You?ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills:

Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I am extremely adept at all manner of office organization:

I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I am honest, hardworking and dependable:

I pilfer office supplies.

My pertinent work experience includes:

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:

I blame others for my mistakes.

I am personable:

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I am extremely professional:

I carry a Day-Timer.

I am adaptable:

I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:

I’m never at my desk.