195 - Joke : Joe and his headaches

Joe was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help.

 The doctor said, “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed, but immediately decided he had no choice other than to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he walked past a men's clothing store and thought buying a new suit might cheer him up. The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure...” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 neck.” Joe was once again surprised, “That”s exactly right. How did you know?" “It”s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll by this point and said, “Well, sure ....” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see...9...wide.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right .... How did you know?” “It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe hesitated for a second and said, “Sure...” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see...size large.” Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size medium since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “Oh, don’t be silly, you can’t wear a medium. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!”

194 - Joke : Sahara Pipeline

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.

Since they’ve all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person.

“Sophia Loren,” says the first nun - and poof, she disappears.

“Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too.

“Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter.

The nun hands him a newspaper clipping.

He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you’ve got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”

193 - Joke : Adultery confession

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.

When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

192 - Men, Women and Sex

At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words sex and love.

Amy wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another and respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another.”

And John wrote: “I love sex.”